Marauders One Shots
by Envy and Fury
Summary: A whole bunch of one shots, mainly about the Marauders, but I might throw some other people in. MWPP era. Rating inside for every story.
1. Stress, Slinkies, and TicTacs

**I was bored one day, and addicted to TicTacs, and I though, **_**Remus is stressed before/after the full moon. Maybe TicTacs would make it all better?**_**So then this crazy little thing popped up. Warning: Some OOCness. My apologies. Warning 2: Profanity.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, and if I did, the _rat _wouldn't exist. *hisses angrily***

**Rated: T. Profanity.**

**Summary: Remus is getting more and more stressed, so the Marauders try to do something about it. Unfortunately, things don't go very well.**

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**Stress, Slinkies, and TicTacs**

'Prongs, haven't you noticed _anything_?' Sirius was amazed by his friend's obliviousness.

'Anything? Well, I noticed that my bed is over there, where it belongs, and the windows are open, and you're asking me a stupid question, and --'

'Okay, okay, shut up! I get the point. I mean, anything about _Moony_.'

'Well, um, he's stressed?'

'Exactly!'

'Um, Padfoot, Prongs, what are you talking about?' Peter tripped over the portrait hole.

'Remmy! He's so stressed and annoyed these days.' Sirius said.

'Isn't he always? I mean, before the moon?'

'Well, yes, but he's more stressed.'

'And what exactly do you intend to do about it?'

'Prongs, first, not 'me', but 'us'! And second, _we_ are going to find an anti-stress thing.'

'Right…'

'Yep.'

'Are you sure about this?'

'Listen, _Wormboy_, _we_ are Remus' friends, and _we_are not going to stand aside while he is stressed. Hmpf.'

'Well, okay.'

-o-o-o-o-

Remus was annoyed, and stressed, and fatally bored. There was nothing to do. He had homework waiting, yet Madam Pomfrey insisted that he stay and rest. He moaned, and rolled to his left. New curtain to stare at. Wonderful.

-o-o-o-o-

'Ow!'

'Pads?' James stared at Sirius, who was rummaging through a box he seemed to have conjured. 'You okay there?'

'Yep, I got it!'

'Got what? Your sanity back?'

'He never had any.' Peter quipped, also staring at his friend.

'Hey! I resent that! And I have...' Sirius paused, 'the object that will cure Remus of his boredom...'

'What?' Peter leaned forward eagerly.

'A slinky!' Sirius pulled out a large, childishly coloured spring.

'What the hell is that?'

'Some muggle thing. It's cool though. I mean, look at this!' He moved his hand up and down, and the slinky bouced.

'Oh...'

'My...'

'God...'

'IT'S A SLINKY!!' Both Peter and James pounced.

-o-o-o-o-

Remus heard weird noises coming from the Gryffindorcommon room. He entered warily, to see Sirius, James, and Peter all fighting. He raised an eyebrow.

'What the hell?' he asked.

-o-o-o-o-

Sirius was knocked to the ground, and he couldn't breathe.

'Mrrwwf!! Mrrwf!' Sirius yelled. 'MRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWFF!! FRRRFF FRAAWMWR!'

'What?' James sat up, looking extremely disheveled.

'I said, get off me! And then I said, fuck you!'

'Oh. Okay then. I'm off. Now, why did you want to fuck me?'

'Shut up!! That's not what I meant!!'

'What the hell?' All three boys looked up, startled, as Remus entered. He glanced at them all lying on the ground, and the object in Sirius' hand. It was small, brightly coloured, and plastic. It was a slinky. He decided he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know.

'Remmy! Look what I,' Peter and James glared at Sirius. 'I mean, _we_, got you!' Sirius held out the slinky. 'Isn't it wonderful?'

'Um, it's a slinky.'

'Yeah! Exactly!'

'Why do I need a slinky?'

'To play with! Like this!' Sirius wobbled the slinky. James and Peter giggled. Sirius looked at it worshipfully.

'Ahh... well... hmm... I'll be right back, okay? I left something downstairs.' And with that, Remus left.

Sirius, James, and Peter all resumed fighting over the slinky. James wrenched it out of Sirius' hand, then Peter pummeled him. Then Sirius made his move. He roared a battlecry, and flung himself at Peter. Peter screamed, and the slinky flew out of his hand.

Straight out the window.

The three boys froze. Sirius jumped up, and ran to said window. He looked down.

'Crap.'

James and Peter joined him at the window.

'Uh oh.' they said simultaneously. The slinky lay smashed into tiny colourful pieces. Sirius burst into tears. He had been very attached to it.

'That was Moony's present!' Sirius moaned.

'Uh oh.' they said again.

Remus chose that very moment to walk back in. 'Sirius?' he asked, concerned.

'Remus! It's gone!' Sirius choked out between sobs.

'What's gone?'

'Mr. Slinky!'

'You named it?'

Sirius nodded. 'I'm sorry, Remus, I'm so sorry!'

'Sirius, it's okay. Everything will be fine.'

'No!! We smashed your slinky!'

'Sirius. Look up, please.' Sirius reluctantly turned his head to see Remus produce something small and colourful out of his pocket. It was a mini slinky. Sirius stopped crying.

'Ooh! We'll name you Slinky, Jr.!'

'Happy early birthday, Pads.'

'For me?' Sirius turned to look at Remus incredulously. 'Mine? Slinky, Jr. is mine?'

'Yep. And I'll show you something better than bouncing it up and down.'

'What could be better than that?'

Remus took the slinky, gestured for Sirius, James, and Peter to follow, and lead them to the nearest staircase. He plopped the slinky on the floor, and pushed it down the stairs. Sirius watched in amazement as the slinky turned over and over again. James and Peter were equally stunned. The slinky landed gracefully at the landing.

'Oh...'

'My...'

'God...'

'IT'S A SLINKY!!' Sirius, James, and Peter ran down the stairs after it.

-o-o-o-o-

'I feel guilty.' Sirius admitted to himself that night. His excitement over the slinky had worn off, and now he felt guilty. Slinky, Jr. still lay in his bed, though. He had been supposed to get Remus something to calm his nerves. But instead, they had played with the slinky alday. Luckily, it was a Saturday, so they had no classes. He thought back.

_~FLASHBACK~_

_'Prongsie, look!' Sirius shouted as he pushed the slinky down the stairs again._

_'My turn next!' Peter complained. Remus merely smiled, but he looked amused at his friends' immaturity._

_Taking turns, they had all pushed the slinky down the stairs, until McGonagall came up._

_'What is all this noise? Really, can't you play quietly?' she asked._

_'But, Professor, it's a slinky!' Sirius exclaimed, holding up the evidence. 'His name is Slinky, Jr.'_

_'Junior? What happened to Slinky, Sr.?' McGonagall asked, playing along._

_'Well, there was a... uh... most unfortunate accident where... um... Slinky, Sr.'s life was most unfortunately lost.'_

_McGonagoll smiled at the boys' childish antics. 'I see. Well, maybe you could be a bit quieter, and no one will bother you. Also, Slinky, Jr. will not go deaf.'_

_'Okay, then!'_

_~END FLASHBACK~_

Sirius sighed. He got up, and moved to James' bed.

'Prongs, we have to find something else.'

'Wha--?' James muttered, half asleep.

'For Moony.' Sirius did a quick _silencio_on James' bed. 'We were supposed to find something for Moony, not push a slinky down the stairs all day.'

'Hmm...' James sat up. 'We'll try again tomorrow. After all, tomorrow's Sunday. Another free day.'

'That I'll probably spend pushing Slinky, Jr. down the stairs.' Sirius muttered. 'Okay, then. I swear that tomorrow, I will not push my slinky down the stairs. Night, Prongs.'

-o-o-o-o-

_~Sirius' Dream~_

_Sirius and Remus played with both slinkies. _**(A/N: Is 'slinkies' even a word? If not, then what is the plural of 'slinky'?) **_Slinky, Sr. hadn't been smashed, and now Sirius was the proud owner of two slinkies, because Remus had refused to take Slinky, Sr. away from Sirius. When they went to lunch, everyone stared at Sirius with envy, all wishing that they owned a slinky. Then, horror of all horrors, Severus Snape pulled out three even more colourful slinkies. Eveyone turned to admire it, and Sirius screamed._

_~End Sirius' Dream~_

'Sirius! Sirius, wake up! It's not real, it's just a dream! Siri, don't worry, don't scream, it was just a dream.' Remus moved to Sirius' bed, and shook his friend. Sirius was pulled out of his nightmare.

'Oh, Rem, thank Merlin!' was the first thing he said.

'What happened?' Remus asked.

'Well, at first, everything was perfect, and you and I were playing with the slinkies, because Slinky, Sr. hadn't smashed, then we went to lunch, and everyone admired the slinkies, and were all jealous, the Snivellus Snape had three slinkies!'

Remus successfully masked his amusement. 'Don't worry, Siri, it was just a dream. Relax.' At that word, 'relax', guilt bombarded Sirius. It was he who should've been saying that to Remus as he tried to hide his evident stress.

'I'm sorry!' Sirius said.

'Sorry? Sorry for what?'

'Sorry for being a wimp, sorry for disturbing you, sorry for--'

'Shut up, Pads. Be sorry that you had a dream that you're guilty over. Now get over it, and come down to breakfast.'

-o-o-o-o-

Breakfast went by, and Sirius, James, and Peter continued to search for something. Weeks passed, and nothing. Lunches passed, with nothing remotely resembling the strange happenings in Sirius' dream. The next full moon came and went. And the one after that. Nothing.

-o-o-o-o-

Owls flew into the hall, dropping letters and parcels.

'Did you guys get anything?' Peter asked, as he opened his letter.

'Yeah.' James replied. 'Just the usual update on news at home, though. Nothing thrilling.'

'Same for me.' Sirius said.

'Yeah, same here-- hey, I didn't notice that...' Remus said.

_Remus, _

_Just updating you on all the going ons. Nothing exciting, so don't worry about anything. How are things? Do your friends know? I hope you're sleeping well, and maybe during the summer break you could invite your friends over, if they know. Or if they don't, just a day or so. __Oh, and that box? The orange one? It's filled with muggle sweets called 'TicTacs', and I thought you might like to try them. If you like them, send word, and I'll owl you a larger supply..._

Remus finished reading his letter, it was nothing special, but still, it was always good to hear from home.

-o-o-o-o-

The boys walked up to the common room, and Remus clutched his box. He looked at it closely. It seemed to be filled with little pills.

'Remmy, now will you tell us about that box?' Sirius moaned. He'd been bugging Remus for the entire duration fo breakfast, and to no avail.

'As soon as I know they're not poisonous. If I die, don't touch them.' Remus opened the box, and put a white thing in his mouth. His eyes widened. And widened.

'James! I think they're poisonous!' Peter squeaked, looking worried.

'Wooooooowwwwwwww...' Remus said.

'I think he's seeing heaven!' Peter said, with evident concern. 'DO SOMETHING!'

'No... don't...' Remus swallowed his TicTac. 'It's amazing! Try one!' He offered one to each of his friends. They glanced at each other, shrugged, then ate them.

'Oh...'

'My...'

'God...'

'IT'S A TICTAC!!'

Sirius, James, and Peter leapt at Remus, with eyes only for TicTacs.

-o-o-o-o-

'HEY!' Remus yelped as he wsa smothered, and knocked to the ground. 'Get OFF!'

'Hand over the TicTacs to the Almighty Lord Padfoot of Almightiness and Amazing Muggle Sweets!' Sirius shrieked. Remus began to think that maybe the TicTacs weren't such a great idea, at least not for Sirius.

'No! These TicTacs are the rightful property of Emperor Moony of the Land of TicTacs and All Things TicTac-ish!'

'Those 'TicTacs' will be property of Professor Minerva McGonagall if you don't be quiet.' McGonagall's voice came from the portrait hole.

'Okay, Professor, we're sorry.' James spoke from underneath Peter.

'I will not mention this again if you pay the price.'

James gulped, Peter looked wildly around, Sirius looked a bit worried, and Remus paled.

'Give me a TicTac.'

The friends looked at each other, and Remus got up to give McGonagall her TicTac. She smiled, popped it in her mouth, and left.

'She's not so bad.' Sirius said. 'And we found the perfect stress-killer.'

-o-o-o-o-

_Dad, _

_Thank you for the news, and the TicTacs. They were wonderful. Thank you._

_Remus_

-o-o-o-o-

The next day, TicTacs came by owl.

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**Thanks for reading, and there will be more one-shots, and please review!**


	2. PPP1: Protection

**Before you murder me for doing something about Peter, this is not him being an amzingly good nice Marauder. This is the beginning of Peter's darkness or whatever you want to call it. Just read, it's hard to explain. Thanks to all the reviewers! =)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, except the immense weirdness...**

**Rated: K/K+**

**Summary: Peter didn't see his friends, only what they could give him.**

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**Peter Pettigrew: Part One: Protection**

Peter struggled with the levitation charm. Unfortunately for him, they were having charms with the Slytherins, which meant that Severus Snape was there to witness his humiliation.

'Squib!' Snape called, levitating a book and dropping it on Peter's head.

'Hey, Snivellus, leave Peter alone.'

'Sod off, Snape.'

Peter turned to see Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and James Potter all standing and pointing their wands threateningly at Severus. Severus wisely backed off.

'You're lucky, Pettigrew.' Severus muttered.

-o-o-o-o-

Later that day, back in their dorms, Peter looked at his new friends, and smiled. They had told him that they wouldn't stand for people, especially Slytherins, teasing him. Peter was thankful.

-o-o-o-o-

Whenever Peter was teased from then on, his three friends would spring to his defence, whether it be against Slytherins, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, or even other Gryffindors. They pulled pranks, and made sure that Peter's reputation was as big, or at least almost as big, as their own. Eventually, people learned that Peter was not to be disrespected, and with increased confidence, and tutoring from Remus, Peter was almost as good as his friends when it came to magic.

When Severus teased him, Peter could turn his hair purple, or make him grow a beard. When Peter was hexed, he could unhex himself.

But there was a price. He had to deal with endless teasing from Sirius and James, and he swore that one day, he would make them pay. But for now, they were all he had, so he accepted it, and brushed off the taunts. Remus would defend him occasionally, but Peter was waiting for the day he could hex them into oblivion.

-o-o-o-o-

Peter surveyed his friends the next day, and he didn't see Sirius' mischievous grin, the playful smile of James, or Remus' small smirk. Nor did he see Sirius' playful personality, James' cheerfulness, or Remus' patience. He didn't even see Sirius' silver eyes boring into his, or James' **(A/N: what colour eyes does James have, anyway?)** eyes hidden behind the glint of his glasses, or Remus' golden orbs.

He saw the protection they could give him.

He knew that he was using them.

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**Okay, it's a little short, and a bit crappy, but still... anyway, please review!**


	3. Muggle House

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**Rated: T. Profanity.**

**Summary: The Marauders go to a muggle holiday house. Things do not end well.**

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Muggle House

'Come on! Hurry!' Sirius called to the other Marauders. They followed. Sirius was sprinting ahead, with James running to keep up. Peter was skipping behind them, and Remus was walking. They entered their little holiday house that they had rented for this year. Sirius tugged at the door. It was locked.

'_Alohomora_!' he shouted.

'Sirius, shut up! This is a muggle place.' James said.

'Then how was I supposed to open the door?'

'With a key.' Remus pulled the key out of his pocket.

'Whatever! Come inside! Quick!' Sirius bounced inside.

-o-o-o-o-

It was a small house, with two bedrooms, both with two beds each. There was a small ensuite connecting both rooms. Sirius grabbed Remus and pulled him into the door of the first room.

'Open the door! Open the door!' he squealed.

'Sirius. This room is not locked.' Hearing that, Sirius yanked the door open, and jumped onto the nearest bed. Remus followed him inside. As soon as they'd put their stuff down, Sirius dragged Remus out into the kitchen.

'Moony, what's that?' Sirius asked, pointing to the microwave.

'That, my dear Padfoot, is a microwave. It heats food.'

'Oh, okay. What about that?'

'Refrigerator. It keeps food cold.' They continued like this until Remus had finished explaining everything in the kitchen. Sirius immediately dragged him into another room. This room had desk cluttered with stuff, from a computer to a tissue box. What caught Sirius' eye first was the manual paper shredder.

'Oh, oh! Moony, what's that?'

'That is a paper shredder.'

'How does it work?'

'Like this.' Remus grabbed some paper from the desk, and shredded it.

'I want a go! Stop hogging the shredder!' Sirius pushed Remus away, and stuff paper in it, turning the handle.

-o-o-o-o-

James walked into Sirius and Remus' room. He found Remus there, unpacking.

'Hey, Moony. Where's Pads?'

'Playing with the paper shredder. Where's Wormtail?'

'Admiring the bathroom.'

'Admiring the bathroom?'

'Yeah. He likes the mirror. Thinks there's actually a person in it.'

'Oh. I see.'

'AGHHHHH!! MOOOOOOOOONY, HELP ME!' Sirius screamed.

'I better go see what he's doing.' Remus left.

-o-o-o-o-

'Moony, help! It's coming!' Sirius screamed again.

'Padfoot, shut up for a moment. What the hell is going on?'

'Look! It's not shredding anymore!' Sirius turned the handle and shredded paper came out. Remus sighed, and pushed his friend out of the way, and turned the handle the right way.

'Siri, you turned it the wrong way.'

'Oh. Oh. Okay.'

-o-o-o-o-

'Remmy, I'm hungry.' Sirius complained.

'For the love of all that's holy! Come with me.' Remus leapt up, and dragged Sirius to the kitchen, where he opened the cupboard, and took out a pack of biscuits. He opened them, and gave them to Sirius. 'Eat.'

-o-o-o-o-

'HOLY CRAP! The oven thing is on fire!' Sirius yelled. Remus, James and Peter ran to the kitchen.

'Pads, what the hell were you doing with the oven?' Remus demanded.

'Heating up my biscuits.'

'WHAT THE FUCKING HELL, SIRIUS? First, the microwave is for heating. The oven is for cooking. Second, biscuits are not supposed to be heated, unless specifically said!'

'Oops?'

'I hereby suggest that one Sirius 'Padfoot' Orion Black is banned from the kitchen. All in favour say 'aye'.'

'Aye.'

'Aye.'

'Sirius Black, you are now banned from the kitchen.'

-o-o-o-o-

'You know, that was fun. I'm kind of sad to be going back to Hogwarts.' Sirius said.

'Fun? You did something drastically wrong every single day! First you screamed because you turn the paper shredder the wrong way, then you nearly wreck the oven, flood the bathroom, evaporate the pool, _levicorpus_ Peter and drop him in the fireplace--'

_~Much later~_

'--then you nearly landed a tree on the place! Oh, and then you beg forgiveness from the mirror, and smashed it to bits when it didn't forgive you.'

'Hey, at least I didn't kill Peter, and it's not my fault it didn't accept my apology.'

'Sirius, it was a _mirror_. Muggle mirrors don't talk or own houses.'

-o-o-o-o-

Lily greeted the four boys.

'How was your holiday?' she asked. She was surprised when Remus growled and said nothing.

'If you value Remus' sanity, you will never mention that holiday ever again.' James told her.

'Why?'

'Believe me, you don't want to know.'

'What happened?'

'Well, it was all Sirius' fault, of course.'

'Okay, you were right. If it's Sirius' fault, I don't want to know.'

'But I'm so awesome!' Sirius said.

'Your definition of awesome is vastly different from mine, Black.'

'Basically he caused utter and total chaos.' James said.

'Well, I thought dumping Peter in a fireplace was a lot of fun!'

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**Please review!**


	4. PPP2: Power

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. How absolutely amazing.**

**Thanks to all reviewers!**

**Rated: K/K+**

**Summary: Peter has never actually seen his friends' personalities or anything else about them. All he saw was power. (Heh, that's fun to type: saw was)**

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**Peter Pettigrew: Part Two: Power**

It had been several weeks since the school year had started, and reputations had been made. Peter was glad that he had Sirius, Remus and James as his friends, or his reputation would have been awful. He was happy as he was, but he knew that while Sirius, Remus and James might consider him their friend, he had no friends. He was a suckup, and used people. Peter wasn't very smart, but he was smart enough to know that he would be a reject, an outcast, if he didn't have the right friends.

_If you aren't the right person, or if you don't have the right friends, you're no one._

That was a saying he'd come to memorise, using it when picking out friends. He'd met several people who were nice, but they were the wrong people. He needed the right ones.

On that fateful day, several weeks ago, on the Hogwarts express, he had been teased, and sat alone in a compartment, watching people come by, look in, and hurry away after seeing him there. But then he had met Sirius, Remus and James, and he knew that they were the right people. The people he had to befriend. The people he had to use.

All of them were popular, Sirius was classified as 'unbelievably sexy', Remus had the knowlege to do more or less whatever he wanted, and James was a mix between both, not as hot as Sirius, not as smart as Remus, but still popular. Peter was no one, until he met them, until he used them. They were powerful, and now he was too.

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**Sorry that was a bit short, but I'm in a hurry... Oh well, hopefully the next one will be better. Review!**


	5. Nicknames

**Yay, reviews!**

**To MacNashi: How many times do you actually check FF? And no, I will not watch my language. The Marauders have the right to cuss. And I want my fun with Peter first.**

**To MrsRemusLupin1: Thanks for all the reviews! My personal favourite was the TicTac thing, second Muggle House. =) Glad you liked my writing. Some people find it too gloomy and doom-y. =( **

**Rated: K+/T**

**Summary: Sirius has a weird dream, but he's determined to make it come true. Review!**

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**Sirius Black: The Nicknamer**

Sirius was dreaming.

_~SIRIUS' DREAM~_

_Everything was wonderful in the Land of Siri-Poo. Perfect. The sun was shining, but not too brightly, the clouds were light and fluffy. All that Siri-Poo, the Lord of the Land of Siri-Poo, needed was some company._

_'Hi, Siri-Poo!' Jamesie-Poo called. Remmy-Poo waved, and Petey-Poo was staring distractedly at the window of an ice cream shop. The shop was white, with bright patterns, and a sign that said 'Roxie-Poo's Ice Cream Shop'._

_'Jamesie-Poo! Remmy-Poo! Petey-Poo! I've been looking for you! Hey, Petey-Poo, want to get some ice cream?'_

_'Ooh... sure, Siri-Poo!'_

_Siri-Poo pushed open the door to _Roxie-Poo's Ice Cream Shop_ and entered._

_'Long time no see, Roxie-Poo!' Siri-Poo winked at the girl behind the counter._

_'Siri-Poo! You saw me just yesterday!' Roxie-Poo blushed slightly, her voice sounding thick and creamy, somehow. _**(A/N: Thick and creamy. Sounds like coffee. I love coffee!)**

_'Okay, you know what I want.' He grinned._

_'Double fudge-caramel-chocolate sundae with whipped melted white/milk marble chocolate on top.'_

_'Yep. Jamesie-Poo? What are you getting?'_

_'Um...'_

_'Don't rush it! It's an important decision!'_

_'Uh, wild berry, two scoops, with dark/milk blended chocolate sauce.'_

_'Got that, Roxie-Poo? You next, Petey-Poo!'_

_'A scoop of everything, with mint chocolate sauce!'_

_'Remmy-Poo?'_

_'Uh, whatever has the most chocolate.'_

_'Chocoholic.'_

_'I know.'_

_~END SIRIUS' DREAM~_

'Wake up, Remmy-Poo!' Sirius jumped on his friend's bed.

'What did you just call me?' Remus sat up, and stared at Sirius.

'Remmy-Poo! And I'm Siri-Poo! James is Jamesie-Poo, and Peter is Petey-Poo. Snivellus is Snivvy-Poo. McGonagall is Minnie-Poo. Do you get it?'

'Uh, yeah... okay then, Siri-Poo.'

-o-o-o-o-

'Prongsie-Poo! You up?' Sirius bombarded James' bed.

'Ow! And what's with 'Prongsie-Poo'?'

'It's your new name! I'm Paddy-Poo, or Siri-Poo!'

'Oh, holy crap.'

-o-o-o-o-

'Wormy-Poo! Come on, Petey-Poo, or you'll miss breakfast!' Sirius sang, and Peter moaned, and sat up rubbing his eyes.

-o-o-o-o-

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter walked into breakfast. Sirius waved at everyone and addressed as many people as he could as *InsertNameHere*y-Poo. They all blushed, or yelled, or whacked him.

'Hey, Evans!' James greeted Lily.

'It's either Evvy-Poo, or Lily-Poo.' Sirius hissed.

James gritted his teeth. 'I mean, Evvy-Poo.'

'What did you call me?' Lily asked, green eyes narrowing.

'Evvy-Poo. According to Sirius, it's either that, or Lily-Poo.'

'Oh. So you're Potty-Poo?' Lily asked, smirking.

'Yeah, I guess I am.' James blushed. He did _not_ want to be known as 'Potty-Poo'.

'Hmm... Maybe this wasn't one of Blackie-Poo's worst ideas. I'll have fun with your new name, Potty-Poo.' James nearly hit Sirius. Sirius laughed at the expression on his face.

'Looks like I've got it best, huh, Potty-Poo? I mean, you're possible nicknames,' Sirius whispered, talking to all of the Marauders. 'Are Jamesie-Poo, Prongsie-Poo, Potty-Poo, Petey-Poo, Wormy-Poo, Petty-Poo, Remmy-Poo, Moony-Poo, and Loopy-Poo. I've got Siri-Poo, Paddy-Poo and Blackie-Poo.'

'This is going to be hell.' Remus said flatly. 'How long is this going on for?'

'Just today.'

'That's bad enough.'

-o-o-o-o-

The Marauders waited for Slughorn to show up, Sirius was talking about whether Slughorn would appreciate the name 'Sluggy-Poo'.

-o-o-o-o-

After they had completed a basic healing potion, Slughorn had them start on the Draught of Living Death, so Sirius naturally took the opportunity to cause chaos.

Sirius put his hand up innocently. 'Excuse me? Sluggy-Poo? Jamesie-Poo and I don't quite understand what you just said.' Everyone gasped, then laughed. Slughorn look surprised.

'Sluggy-Poo, now is it? And I suppose, Mr. Black, that you are Siri-Poo?' Slughorn said.

'You're right! How did you know?' Slughorn was about to reply, but luckily for Sirius, potions class had just officially finished.

-o-o-o-o-

When Sirius walked into Transfiguration, the Marauders all knew that it was in this class he'd cause the most trouble for 'dear old Minnie-Poo'. True enough, as soon as Sirius passed McGonagall, he immediately hugged her, saying, 'It's nice to see you again, Minnie-Poo!' McGonagall's eyes narrowed, but she said nothing. Slughorn must have warned her.

They were transfiguring mice into tulips, so obviously Sirius used this to his advantage.

'Here, Mousy-Poo! Whoopsies, Mousy-Poo's run away!' then 'Minnie-Poo! Mousy-Poo has been deadified! I need Mousy-Poo Junior!'

'Shut up, Black!' Lily hissed.

'First, it's Blackie-Poo, second, I thought you said this was one of my better ideas! You lie!' Sirius put on a hurt face, and Lily gave an exasperated sigh.

'I didn't know you were planning to do it during classes, and to teachers! And by better, I meant less destructive!'

'But otherwise it's no fun! You just want to ruin my happiness, don't you, Evvy-Poo?'

'I want to ruin your _insanity_! Black,' Lily looked at Sirius' face and sighed again, '_Fine_. Blackie-Poo, this is a bad idea!'

'LILY-POO! YOU UPSET ME! YOU MAKE ME CRY!' Sirius said rather loudly.

'Shh!'

'Minnie-Poo! Mousy-Poo isn't turning into a tulip that I can give to dear Lily-Poo!'

'One more time, Mr. Black, and mark my words, you will be recieving detention.'

'One more what, Minnie-Poo?'

'Please report for detention at six o'clock tonight, Mr. Blackie-Poo.'

-o-o-o-o-

_~Much later, in the Marauders' dorm~_

'Siri-Poo, this name thing stops tomorrow, right?'

'Yeah.'

'Good.'

-o-o-o-o-

'Hey, Remadoodle! Wake up, Jamesadoodle! You too, Petadoodle! Hurry! It's a new day, and there's no more of that Siri-Poo nonsense. Today, I am Siradoodle!'

'Like that's much better than yesterday...'

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**I know it wasn't great, so if you didn't like it, flame. Just send back some sort of review, please? Oh, and I'm destroying Muggle Music. I got sick of it.** =P


	6. PPP3: Reaction

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, because if I did, I would own a decent computer that didn't blow up in my face. **=P

**Thanks for reviewing... **=)

**Rated: K+/T**

**Summary: When the Marauders found out that Remus was a werewolf, Peter didn't react like the other two. (I know the whole discovery thing has been done and overdone, but I need Peter to be more of an idiot about it. Oh, and Remus has most conviently disappeared for a while.)**

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**Peter Pettigrew: Part 3: Reaction**

'Hey, Pete. Me and James think we've found Remus' secret! Get over here! Now!' Sirius called softly to his friend. Peter came scurrying over quickly.

'What? What?' he asked, eyes shining.

'Think about it. He disappears every month-' Sirius started.

'When there's a full moon.' James finished.

'Think of anything like that?'

'No...' Peter was confused, as usual.

'Okay, well, he refuses to touch silver. Anything?'

'Vampire?'

'Uh, no. Okay, his name has nothing to do with this, but it works. Lupin.'

'Rabbit?'

'NO! You're an idiot, Peter.'

'Hey!'

'It's true. Think: Full moon, silver, Lupin. Anything?'

'Um, Vampire-rabbit that's allergic to the moon?'

'...No.'

'I don't get it!'

Sirius sighed. 'Think about it, Wormtail. Then I'll ask again tomorrow.'

'Why can't you just tell me?!'

'Because.'

'Why!?'

'I just can't.'

-o-o-o-o-

'Sirius?' Peter whispered at one o'clock in the morning.

'Yes?'

'I got it!'

'Got what? _Oh_, right. _It_. So, pray tell of your discovery, _mistah_ Pettigrew.'

Peter giggled at being called '_mistah_ Pettigrew', then whispered. 'He's a were... I can't say it!'

'Keep going, Pete! I think you did it!'

'A... vampire-were-rabbit.'

'...'

'Well? Am I right?'

'Most definitely not.'

'But it makes seeeeeeeeeeeense.'

'In a very twisted way, yes it does. However, in our normal world, it doesn't.'

'Awwwww...'

'I'll just tell you!'

'Really?'

'Yes! Tomorrow!'

'Awwww...'

-o-o-o-o-

'Hey, Prongs! Over here! I just agreed to tell Peter last night!'

'You mean he didn't get it?'

'No. He guessed vampire-were-rabbit. How does that even work?'

'...I don't know.'

'Anyway...'

'So, Peter. We think Remus is a werewolf.'

Stunned silence.

'Pete? You with us?'

More silence.

'Peter? Are you okay?'

Silence.

'Sirius? Should we do something?'

'Nah. He'll come out of it.'

'DEAR SWEET MERLIN! YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS!'

'Well, I don't know about James, but I, for one, am most definitely Sirius.'

Peter appeared to not have heard. 'A bloody werewolf! What'll we do?'

'What do you mean, _what'll we do_?'

'It's dangerous! It could eat us in our sleep!'

'Peter!'

'We're in danger! We should do something! Like kill it! I got my werewolf killing kit that the Defense professor advised us to order...'

'What? You actually ordered that?'

'Course I did! Now, where did my silver stake go...? We've got get away from it, at least!'

'Peter! Remus is NOT an 'it'. Remus is just like me. Just like you. Just like Prongs.'

'But, Sirius...' Peter looked at Sirius' red face, and decided to change tactics. 'James! You agree with me, right?'

'WE ARE REMUS' FRIENDS! WE WILL _NOT_ ABANDON HIM!' James roared. Luckily, he'd had the forsight to shield them with a silencing charm. Peter quivered.

'O-O-Okay, then. Whatever you say, James.'

-o-o-o-o-

That night, Sirius, James, and Peter were sitting on the floor of their dorm when Remus walked in. Sirius looked up, and beckoned.

'We know-'

'That you're-

'A werewolf-'

'And frankly-'

'We're dis-'

'Shut up, Peter! We don't care-'

'Because we're your friends-'

'And we'll never-'

'Leave you, ever.'

Remus was speechless. Their speech moulded into one sentence. _We know that you're a werewolf and frankly we don't care because we're your friends and we'll never leave you, ever_. Except Peter had said something... but he dismissed it, and smiled at his friends.

-o-o-o-o-

What the sentence would have sounded like if Peter had finished it was entirely different. _We know that you're a werewolf and frankly we're disgusted and we hate you so get away from us before Peter the awesome evil-slaying hero pulls out his silver stake of Pure Good and stabs you straight in your Dark Heart of Immense and Utter Evil_.

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**I just got the urge to do another Peter thing, since originally I _was_ going to post something else, but it kept deleting itself... =( Oh well. Anyway, I'm kind of addicted to reviews, so if you could... could you? Please?**


	7. Chocolate Caramel Slice

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Amazing, huh?**

**Thanks to the reviewers!**

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Chocolate Caramel Slice

'Prooooooooongs...' Sirius drawled.

'What, Sirius?' James muttered. His three marauding friends were staying at his place for a few weeks, and so far, it had been a bad idea.

'I'm huuungryyyyyyy...'

'There's some flour left.'

'For something sweeeeeet...'

'Wormtail took it all.'

'WHAT?! PETER PETTIGREW, YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING SWEET RIGHT NOW!!'

'That's a big mood swing.'

'DAMN RIGHT!'

-o-o-o-o-

'PETER!'

Peter looked up, startled. 'What, Sirius?' he squeaked.

'GIVE ME SOMETHING SWEET OR SO HELP ME I'LL _CRUCIO_ YOU!'

'I'm s-sorry, b-but I ate it.'

'WHAT?!'

'P-please don't _c-c-crucio_ m-me!'

'YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE! _C-CRU--_'

'_Expelliarmus_!' Remus stood in the doorway, holding his wand. 'You will not_ crucio_ Peter.'

'But he ate it all!' Sirius' mood changed abruptly. He started sobbing. 'There's nothing left!'

'What did he eat?'

'All the sweet things!'

'...'

-o-o-o-o-

'What are you doing?' Sirius asked. He had just stopped crying, and was now staring at Remus, who was mixing something in a bowl.

'Making you chocolate caramel slice so you don't go insane.' Remus glared. 'Now get some eggs.'

'Why can't you do it with magic?'

'Remember what happened last time?'

'Oh, _right_.'

-o-o-o-o-

Sirius paced. Back and forth over and over again.

'Padfoot, get over here before you send me to a mental institution!' Remus called, and immediately shoved slice into Sirius' mouth. Sirius ate it quickly, then reached for another one, forgetting to breathe.

'Mmph!' Sirius attempted to pull the slice out of his mouth. 'MMPH!!' When he couldn't he panicked.

'Is it stuck?' Peter walked in, staring at Sirius. Sirius nodded violently.

'Mhmm!' Sirius mumbled.

'Peter? Would you like one?' Remus smirked at Sirius. Peter nodded eagerly, even though it was obviously the cause of Sirius' distress, and grabbed one, shoving it into his mouth. He chewed, and chewed, and swallowed. Sirius glared. He had managed to loosen it a bit, but he still couldn't speak properly.

'Woo doenf ee ut ook?' he asked.

'What?' Remus questioned, grinning.

'If stook! Und ees oot!'

'I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.'

'Iph shud, if stook und ees oot! Woo doenf ee et ook!?'

'So very sorry, but your words are unable to be deciphered.'

'Wock fa hull doos doot mun?!'

'Pads? You okay?' James walked in. 'Ooh, what are those?' he asked, seeing the slice.

'NUF! FOO FLUPSUT!' Sirius attempted to say.

'Want one?' Remus offered him the tray. James took one, and ate it.

'Nice.' he said.

'NOOF! ID EBVUL!'

'What's with Pads?' James asked.

'The slice is stuck.' Remus explained.

James laughed. 'Oh, sweet Merlin! That's hilarious!' He immediately lauched himself into an imitation of Sirius. 'MU MOUF ISH SHTOOK! GUT IPH OOT! OOT, ISH SHU! OOT!'

Peter automatically laughed. 'That's great, James!'

'I know!' James said, while Sirius glared.

'Noof fonnih.'

-o-o-o-o-

James sighed. Sirius was no closer to dislodging the slice than he had been two hours ago.

'Sirius?' he asked.

'Yuff?'

'Did you ask Moony how to get it out?'

'Yuff, boof hesh shedf heh doffnt nah.'

James gave him ink, parchment, and a quill. 'Write.' he ordered.

_Yes, but he didn't know. He's really confused._

'Oh. Oh no.'

_Yeah. I'm going to have to sleep like this, and then I'll have to go back to Hogwarts like this!_

'Oh dear. How absolutely crappy.'

_Yep._

-o-o-o-o-

Sirius had given up, and gone to sleep. He lay tangled in the blankets, slice still stuck in his mouth. He dreamt.

_~SIRIUS' DREAM~_

_Everyone had slice. Chocolate caramel slice. He had gone back to Hogwarts with the slice stuck in his mouth, and started a trend. Now everyone except Remus, Lily and the teachers were going around with slice in their mouths. Even James was doing it, just to tease him, and Peter did whatever James did._

_'Hullof, shorruosh.' Snape passed him, mocking him. Sirius drew his wand to retaliate, but his wand was made of slice. He hated slice, so he stomped on his wand._

_~END SIRIUS' DREAM~_

Sirius woke up, screaming.

'AUUGGHHHHF!' he screamed, slice still in his mouth. Remus woke up, and looked at him.

'Sirius, I want to try something.' Remus said. 'Sit up, face me, and _do not_ move.'

Sirius did as he was told.

'_Reducto_!' Remus pointed his wand at the slice, and it burst into pieces.

One of the pieces hit Sirius in his right eye.

He really did hate chocolate caramel slice, and he had a feeling that it hated him back.

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**I know it's a bit far fetched, but still... It was based on a real experience. Not my experience, though. But anyway, REVIEW!**


	8. Slytherins: a Hidden World

**Hello, people! Sorry for the long no-updateness, but I had a severe case of writer's block, most munfortunately. Fortunately, it has died down a bit, to allow me to write this. Since my dog ate my plot bunny, this is a little (VERY) strange. Set in Regulus' first year.**

**Summary: Who said Slytherins couldn't have fun? They like to just as much as the Gryffindors, only they hide it better, with their swishy robes, and dark spells.**

**Rated: T (nothing _too_ bad. I hope.)**

**Warning: Disturbingness. Profanity. Creepiness.**

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**Slytherins: a Hidden World**

'BELLA! GET YOUR FAT ASS OVER HERE!' Regulus teased. Rodolphus shot him a Look.

'Bella's ass is _not _fat. It is round and smooth and supple and - ' Rodolphus was cut off.

'Please stop talking about my ass.' Bellatrix came out of the girls' dorm, glaring.

'At once, my dear.' Rodolphus picked her up, and swung her over his shoulder. She screamed for the sake of it.

'This really isn't how it's supposed to be, you know.' Bellatrix told him. He grinned.

'I know. But it's funny watching you.'

They entered the common room, and everyone looked up to see the strange sight of Rodolphus carrying Bellatrix over his shoulder, as if she were dead. He leaned over, so she fell.

'Hey!' she protested, lying on the floor where she fell.

'If you two are done, we _are _waiting.' Narcissa commented. She was lying sprawled out, her head in Lucius' lap. Lucius' hand traced her face.

'So, what first?' Lucius asked.

'Truth or Dare!' Regulus replied instantly.

'Then Never Have I Ever!' Severus added.

'Okay, I'll go first.' Bellatrix said. 'Severus, truth or dare?'

'Truth.'

'Wimp. Um, who would you rather snog? James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, or Sirius Black?'

'Uh, um, that's really disturbing... Oh, Merlin... Um... Crap... Black.'

'Ooh...' Regulus smirked.

'Okay, my turn.' Severus said. 'Narcissa, truth or dare?'

'Dare.'

'Go into the Gryffindor common room, where ever Potter and his gang are, and snog Lupin for one minute, using tongue.'

Narcissa looked scared.

'Oh, Reg will go as your witness.'

-o-o-o-o-

Narcissa was regretting her choice. _Why didn't I choose truth? Why didn't I choose truth?_

'Okay, I know the password.' Regulus said as they approached the portrait. Luckily for them, the Fat Lady was drunk, and didn't register that they were Slytherins.

'Password?' she trilled.

'Dragon bogeys.'

The portrait swung open, and Narcissa and Regulus stepped inside. Severus had been right, and the 'Marauders', as they called themselves, were sprawled in various positions around the common room. Narcissa soon spotted Lupin, and stalked over apparently confidently. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her cousin stand up, and start to pull out his wand, so Narcissa moved quickly. She dragged Lupin to his feet, and pressed her lips hard to his, prying open his mouth with her tongue. She met no resistance, but no encouragement either. Lupin was probably in shock. She kept his mouth to hers for what felt like an eternity, and even wrapped her arms around him, until Regulus tapped her on the shoulder. She pulled back, and Lupin nearly fell over, so she lowered him to the ground. Poor kid. The victim of Slytherin Truth or Dare.

-o-o-o-o-

Narcissa entered the Slytherin common room again, Regulus right behind. Everyone looked up expectantly.

'Well?' Severus asked smugly. Regulus pulled out his wand.

'I'll even show you.' he said.

'WHAT?! You recorded that?!' Narcissa exclaimed, horrified.

'Yep.' Regulus grinned, and Narcissa almost threw up.

'Let's see it then.' Lucius knew that it was only a game, and the kiss had no real meaning. Therefore, he, like all the others, was eager to see it.

-o-o-o-o-

_~RECORDING~_

_Narcissa strode confidently through the Gryffindor common room, her eyes locked on her target. She ignored her cousin, who was pulling out his wand, and proceded to passionately snog Lupin, who was shocked, and slightly limp in her grip. Black was too stunned to do anything, as were the other two. Narcissa's tongue thrusted it's way into Lupin's mouth, and she wrapped her arms around her victim, and continued until Regulus' hand appeared and tapped her. She let go of Lupin, and walked out._

_~END RECORDING~_

'Wow.' Bellatrix commented. 'How's that for passion?'

'Shut up.' Narcissa replied, embarrassed.

'Anyway, it's my turn.' Lucius said, dragging his future wife into his lap. 'So, Bella, truth or dare?'

'Dare, duh.' Bellatrix grinned. 'So, what is it?'

'Grab Pettigrew, throw him into a broom closet, follow him in, rip off his shirt, then say "Oh, crap, I have to meet Rodolphus. I'll be back." then leave, and lock him in.' Lucius said, grinning evilly.

'Ew...' Bellatrix moaned.

-o-o-o-o-

Bellatrix and her invisible camera snuck into the Gryffindor common room, where Bellatrix saw Potter and Pettigrew. She took a deep breath, walked forward, picked up Pettigrew, and shoved him into the nearest closet. She followed, and ripped off his shirt. Her hands moved towards his pants, when she said:

'Oh, crap. I have to go. Rodolphus is meeting me. I'll be back, okay?'

Then she ran out of the closet, and slammed the door, locking it, and running past a very shocked James Potter.

-o-o-o-o-

'Let's see, Bella.' Regulus begged.

Bellatrix sighed, and waved her wand, playing the recording.

_~RECORDING~_

_Bellatrix walked up the stairs, and clearly said 'Dragon bogeys'. The portrait swung open, and she walked inside. Seeing Pettigrew, Bellatrix yanked him off his feet, and shoved him roughly into the nearest broom closet, in full view of Potter, who looked worried and astonished. Inside the broom closet, Bellatrix ripped off Pettigrew's shirt, scattering the buttons, and revealing his abnormally large stomach. Her hands moved towards his pants, and touched the fly. Bellatrix seemed to hesitate._

_'Oh, crap.' Bellatrix muttered. 'I have to go. Rodolphus is meeting me. I'll be back, okay?'_

_Pettigrew seemed to nod slightly, as Bellatrix rushed out, clothes and hair disheveled, and locked the broom closet behind her. She ran out of the Gryffindor common room._

_~END RECORDING~_

'Impressive acting skills.' Severus praised. 'Unless you weren't acting.' he added. Bellatrix glared.

'Are you implying that I, Bellatrix Black, actually like that Gryffindor scum?' she asked haughtily.

'Yes.' Severus replied.

'Well, don't. First, he's not at all sexy, and second, I'm engaged, and third, he's a Gryffindor, and fourth, HE'S A BLOODY IDIOT!'

'Ooh... well, okay then.'

Bellatrix sighed.

'My turn!' Rodolphus interrupted. 'Sooo... Reg... truth or dare...?' he asked, drawling it out slowly.

Regulus seemed to think. 'Truth.' he answered.

'Coward. Okay, um, if you were stuck on an island, a very small island, with only Lupin and Potter for company, and you could get rid of _one_, only one, who would you keep with you, and why?'

'Oh... heh... uh... Lupin, probably. He's less irritating.'

'Ooh...' Narcissa smirked. 'Wait till I tell Sirius.'

'What? That I find Lupin less annoying than Potter?'

'No... that you want to be stranded on an island with Lupin.'

'YOU'RE TWISTING IT!'

'If you say so...'

'ANYWAY! Anyone left?' Lucius interrupted.

-o-o-o-o-

Much later, after Lucius had jumped off a moving stairway into a random Ravenclaw's arms, and kissed her, and Rodolphus had licked a Hufflepuff's nose, effectively scaring him, they grabbed some firewhiskey, and started to play Never Have I Ever.

'Never have I ever snogged Lupin.' Regulus said, forcing Narcissa to drink.

'Never have I ever worn a purple dress with mauve lace.' Narcissa replied, and they all laughed as Regulus drank.

'IT WAS A DARE!' he protested.

'Never have I ever licked a kangaroo.' Lucius said, and snorted in a most un-Malfoy way as everyone except himself and Narcissa drank.

'When did you all lick kangaroos?' Narcissa asked.

'Don't worry.' Bellatrix replied.

'Never have I ever been in a broom closet with orange fluffy dice.' Severus stated, and Rodolphus and Narcissa drank.

'ORANGE FLUFFY DICE?' Bellatrix screeched. 'WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ABOUT?'

'Uh, best you don't know...' Rodolphus replied, blushing furiously.

'Never have I ever had sex with a lamp.' Bellatrix tossed out. Severus took a sip of his firewhiskey.

'YOU HAD SEX WITH A LAMP?!' Regulus choked on his laughter. 'THAT IS _WRONG_!'

'Never have I ever eaten my quill.' Rodolphus muttered. Narcissa and Severus drank.

'You ate a quill?' Bellatrix asked.

'I was locked in a broom closet with only my quill and orange fluffy dice!'

'So you ate the quill...?'

'YES!'

'When did you eat a quill, Sev?'

'I was bored in class, and I started nibbling on the end of my quill, and, well, I kind of went a bit too far...' he trailed off, blushing.

'Never have I ever eaten an oreo.' Regulus said, and Severus, Bellatrix, and Rodolphus sipped their firewhiskeys.

'Never have I ever kissed a Ravenclaw.' Narcissa mumbled, drunk. Lucius drank, remembering his dare.

'Never have I ever eaten a sugar quill.' Lucius muttered. Everyone else drank.

'You don't know what you're missing!' Rodolphus told him, while Bellatrix nodded her agreement.

'Never have I ever inhaled foam.' Severus said, and Rodolphus drank, blushing.

'Never have I ever been in a Hufflepuff's bed.' Bellatrix smirked as Regulus and Narcissa drank.

'Never have I ever read a muggle magazine.' Rodolphus moaned, looking at his half empty bottle. No one drank.

'Never have I ever licked a person.' Regulus grinned. Lucius, Narcissa, Bellatrix, and Rodolphus all raised their bottles to their lips.

'Never have I ever been inside Zonko's.' Regulus muttered. 'Reminds me too much of my idiot brother.' Severus drank, his bottle now half empty.

'Never have I ever been inside Madam Puddifoot's.' Narcissa sang, feeling the effects of the firewhiskey. Regulus and Severus both gulped down some firewhiskey.

'Never have I ever brushed my teeth with a muggle toothbrush.' Lucius smirked, having drank the least. Everyone drank, except Narcissa, Bellatrix, and himself.

The game went on, ranging from things like 'never have I ever inhaled a watermelon' to 'never have I ever kissed Slughorn's butt'. Eventually, they quit, Rodolphus having drunk the most. All of them were thoroughly drunk, and decided that they knew more about each other than anyone ever should.

Besides, who wanted to know that Regulus had once dated his brother, disguised as a girl?

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**That's a little different from my other ones, but I hope it works... Please review, even if you're flaming. Actually, especially if you're flaming.**


	9. Gryffindors: a Different Point of View

**So... my friends had this idea... and I wanted to post it, and tweak it a bit... so here's the sequel to _Slytherins: a Hidden World_.**

**Summary: The Marauders side of this, plus ending.**

**Rated: T/M depends... **

**Warning: MUCH OOCness! And very disturbing ending.**

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**Gryffindors: the Dramatic Ones**

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter were in the Gryffindor common room. Why? No one actually knows. They just were. For some reason, no one else was there. It was just Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter sitting around the fire. They had been staring blankly around for the past hour, and were fatally bored.

Sirius was in need of entertainment. Badly. But he didn't want to move.

Remus would soon need anti-depressants if the nothingness went on much longer.

James was dreaming of Lily and quidditch. Together. In a very disturbing way. And he was drooling.

Peter was just sitting there, warming his traitorous ass.

Nothing happened.

Ten minutes passed, and still nothing.

Until the portrait hole opened, and in stepped Narcissa Black, followed by Regulus Black.

Sirius was happy. He wanted to hex them.

Remus was confused, but really couldn't care right now. Like noted above: anti-depressants were needed.

James didn't really notice. He was too busy thinking about Lily and quidditch and Lily and him naked on a broom during quidditch. Awkward.

Peter was an idiot, so therefore didn't notice. At all.

Narcissa walked forwards, and Sirius pulled out his wand, only to stop in shock as Narcissa threw herself at Remus, kissing him violently. With tongue.

Sirius nearly fell over. Remus would have, if Narcissa's arm hadn't been around him.

About two minutes later, one minute longer than the kiss should have lasted, but the Gryffindors didn't know that, Regulus tapped Narcissa, and she extracted herself from the kiss, and Remus fell, but Narcissa caught him.

Narcissa and Regulus left, leaving the Gryffindors in a world of confusion.

'Wow...' James said. 'I hope Lily kisses like that.'

'My cousin! My bloody dark cousin!' Sirius cackled with amusement and possible insanity.

'Huh? What?' Peter asked, just coming out of his stupidity induced trance.

Remus was lying on the floor, shocked.

'Sirius?' James asked.

'Yes?' the other marauder replied.

'Is that normal Slytherin behavior?'

'Uh, no.'

'Slytherin truth or dare.' Remus muttered.

'What? But that's a muggle game!'

'It's a fun game, even for Slytherins.'

'How do _you_ know this?'

'I have my ways...'

-o-o-o-o-

All was silent once more after Narcissa and Regulus had left. Remus had gone up to the dorms, and Sirius, well, Sirius was _somewhere_. Probably best not to know where, James thought.

Peter was once again oblivious to anything and everything, and James had long since finished his Lily and quidditch fantasy and started a new one about Lily and whipped cream and quidditch. Hardly surprising.

For some strange reason, Peter wasn't as stupid as we all think he is right now, and actually noticed when Bellatrix walked through the portrait hole. Her eyes scanned the room, and settled on Peter. She grabbed him, and jumped into a broom closet with him, and ripped off his shirt. Peter was hyperventilating now. He blushed furiously when her hand moved towards his pants.

Suddenly, she spoke, but Peter was too ignorant and in love to understand a word. The idiot. Whatever she had said, she suddenly rushed out of the closet, and slammed the door behind her. Peter didn't move.

He was in love.

Ten minutes later he found out that the door was locked. Oh, crap.

But it didn't matter. He was in love.

-o-o-o-o-

'Peter?' James asked, fifteen minutes after Bellatrix had left.

No reply.

James sighed, and unlocked the closet, pulling Peter out.

'You okay, Pete? Peteeeeerr... Peter? You there?' James waved his hand back and forth in front of Peter's face.

'James, I am in love!' Peter declared.

-o-o-o-o-

Nothing had happened for over an hour, and James was beginning to get worried. He was scared of nothing. Nothing frightened him. Everytime nothing happened, he'd have a panic attack.

And so far, there had been a lot of nothing.

Sirius was still... gone.

Remus was probably still getting over the random kiss and hyperventilating.

Peter had gone to write a love poem. To Bellatrix Black, of all people! And James had thought that even Peter would have better sense than to fall for the evil, dark witch. Still, he supposed she was reasonably pretty, but, of course, _nothing_ to his dear Lily.

Thinking of Lily brought on another fantasy. One that decent people would be horrified to hear about. Involving fluffy socks and jelly. Lots and lots of jelly.

-o-o-o-o-

Peter was adding the finishing touches to his poem. It was quite good. Even if the rhyme was a little awkward, Peter thought it was brilliant. Compared to all his other stuff, anyway.

He started practicing.

'_When your eyes met mine..._' he began.

-o-o-o-o-

Sirius was not actually anywhere special. He was sitting on his bed.

Well, lying in it. Alone.

With a lamp.

And doing unmentionable deeds to the lamp.

How very frightening.

-o-o-o-o-

Remus was still shocked. He was doing nothing, much to James' horror. Then Peter randomly grabbed all of them, stole James' glasses, and pushed them down the stairs.

Which were moving at the time.

Whoops. Oh, well.

-o-o-o-o-

James moaned. He was lying on the ground, exactly where he had fallen off the stairs when Peter pushed him. And Peter had his glasses, as well, just to top off a perfectly decent and amazing moment, James thought.

Unfortunately, James wasn't good with sarcasm, and he soon got his head all turned around wondering if he had actually meant it sincerely when he thought that falling off a moving staircase was fun. He hoped he hadn't, otherwise it would be the final straw, and his parents would have him committed to a mental hospital. Or maybe he was just masochistic.

Either way, he hoped it was sarcasm.

-o-o-o-o-

Sirius clung onto the rail, and jumped up quickly as the staircase swung into place. He had been lucky, unlike James and Remus, and had not fallen off the stairs. He glared at Peter.

'Was that really nessecary?' he asked, but Peter quickly pushed him over the railing, and jumped after him.

'Yes! It's the fastest way to the dungeons!' Peter replied.

-o-o-o-o-

Remus blinked, and rolled onto his back.

'Note to self: never let Peter push anyone anywhere, ever again.' he muttered.

-o-o-o-o-

'Ow...' Sirius had landed on top of Remus, and the werewolf looked annoyed.

'Sirius, get off me. I can't breathe because you're too fat.' Remus said sharply.

'I am not fat! I am the great Sirius Black, and Sirius Black is not fat!'

'You're fat.'

'No!'

'Yep.'

'I AM NOT FAT!'

'Fat.'

'Am not!'

'Are so.'

'Am not!'

'Shut it, and you are.' With that, Remus pushed Sirius off him, and stood up, glaring at Peter, who cowered.

-o-o-o-o-

Peter burst into the Slytherin common room (which was now a giant broom closet in Australia), leaving the others outside. They were mad at him now. Maybe he shouldn't have pushed them off the stairs. Too bad.

'Bellatrix!' he called. 'I have written a ballad of love! To proclaim my undying eternal love for you!'

Much to the Slytherins bemusement, he started singing. Really badly.

'_When your eyes met mine, my heart SOARED!  
When you touched me, my heart SOARED!  
When you picked me up, my heart SOARED!  
When you pushed me into a closet, my heart SOARED!  
When you took off my shirt, my heart SOARED!  
When you said something that I can't remember, my heart SOARED!  
When you locked the door behind you, my heart SOARED!  
Now, accept this humble gift, and marry me, and my heart shall SOAR ONCE MORE!_'

Peter held up James' glasses.

'Marry me.' he insisted, pushing Bellatrix's finger through one lens, while his own finger went through the other.

'Uh, well...'

'I knew you would! Come with me now, Mrs. Bellatrix Pettigrew!'

Luckily, Bellatrix was saved from having to answer when Remus and Sirius opened the broom closet door.

Narcissa gave a loud squeal, and dragged Remus over to her, running her fingers through his hair, and pushed him towards the corner of the broom closet where they started making out like they were meant to be together, which they were because Voldemort's step-bunny cursed the world so everything was twisted and wrong. Lucius looked thoroughly betrayed, but soon forgot about it when he found his fluffy pink bunny slippers.

James tripped into the Slytherin broom closet, and somehow though that Rodolphus was Lily, so started snogging him wildly. Rodolphus, feeling rejected by his fiancee, kissed passionately back.

A random kangaroo hopped in, and Regulus started licking it. Sirius decided to join him, while Severus went and hugged a koala which pooped on him.

Two minutes later, Narcissa and Remus were doing unmetionable deeds, Lucius was dancing in his slippers, Rodolphus and James were still snogging each other's faces off, much to everyone's disgust (but Narcissa and Remus didn't actually notice), Regulus was now snogging the kangaroo, Sirius was eating said kangaroo's earwax, and Severus had mysteriously disappeared, and turned up ten years later in Russia. The koala also disappeared.

'_My heart SOARED!_' Peter yelled.

'And then it went _poof_.' Sirius muttered.

* * *

**How very very disturbing. Mainly through the very disturbing influence of my friends. But anyway, that is about as disturbing as it gets in this whole thing, so hopefully that's the last of that. Anyway, please review/flame.**


	10. Truth or Dare During Breakfast

**About the last chapter... well sorry to all the people I scared and/or scarred. Anyway, hopefully this chapter will not be nearly as repulsive.**

**Summary: The Slytherins played Truth or Dare last night, with strange consequences. You'd think it would've taught them not to play again, but no...**

**Rated: T/M**

**Warning(s): Well... highly disturbing, but not as disturbing or intimate as the last chapter. I promise.**

**Disclaimer: It should be blantantly obvious by now that I don't own Harry Potter. Duh. As if they would print _this_ stuff in books. Or movies.**

* * *

**Truth or Dare During Breakfast**

Narcissa, Lucius, Regulus, Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and Severus all walked to the hall together. They were going to finish the game of Truth or Dare they started last night. There were just a few dares left, so now they were going to end it all.

Last night had been nothing short of disatrous. But luckily, they had been able to get a time turner and went to bed _before_ Peter Pettigrew proposed to Bellatrix. So now everything was sort of normal, they hoped.

Everything looked normal to everyone else. They had no idea what sort of chaos was about to ensue.

The six Slytherins all sat down with their normal grace and elegance, and started eating.

No one noticed a thing, until Narcissa poked Lucius with her wand, tranforming his clothing. Lucius took the cue, and leapt onto the Slytherin table. Everyone stared. Lucius' hair was pulled into two pigtails on either side of his head, and he was tottering unsteadily on hot pink stilettos. His robes had turned into a skimpy, midrift, sequened tank top, and a short denim mini skirt. Fortunately, he was wearing leggings as well, albeit blue sparkly ones, but it would do. To top it off, the whole outfit was endorned with ribbons and sparkles of various colours.

Lucius spun quickly, and leapt over to the Gryffindor table, where he pulled up Peter Pettigrew.

'Why didn't you call me back last night? I mean, I called you, and it was all, like, uh.' Lucius squeaked in a high pitched voice. 'I was all, uh, and you were like, uh.' he continued, switching between a high and low voice with every 'uh'.

'And it was all, uh, uh, uh, uh, and then I'm like, what the fuck? Why wouldn't you meet me? I mean, we're like, together, yeah? You know! Are you ashamed of me? You're ashamed of me! How could you?!' Lucius promptly broke down into almost realistic sobs, and slapped Peter.

'You used me, bitch! Like, you know, you said you _luuuuuuuurrvedd_ me and only me, but _noooooooo_, today you're all, like, whatever, bitches!'

Lucius raised his hands to his face, and continued crying, and ran out of the hall.

Everyone was silent. Peter fell over into the bowl of porridge.

The five remaining Slytherins who knew exactly what was going on were trying not to laugh.

Narcissa's dare looked a lot more realistic. She got up, and made her way over to the Gryffindor table.

'Remus, you know, when I kissed you last night, I really meant it. I mean, I'm in love! How could you not see that? Please, will you marry me?' she asked, holding out a ring.

Sirius stood up. 'WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN ARE YOU DOING?!' he shouted at Narcissa.

'Shut it, Sirius. I'm in _luuuuuuuuuurve_.' Narcissa replied, and without waiting for a reply, dragged Remus to his feet, and exited the hall, dancing all the way.

-o-o-o-o-

Narcissa tied Remus to a chair, while she went and got dressed. She came out several minutes later in a long, white wedding dress.

Remus whimpered. 'No, please don't!' he begged.

'Aw... but you'll _luuuuuurve _it!' Narcissa smiled evilly, as she waved her wand and tranfigured his clothing into a suit. 'Ready?' she asked.

'No.' he replied.

'Too bad.' She untied him, and he immediately ran, up and up. Narcissa pursued him, up and up the stairs until they ended up at the top of the astronomy tower.

Remus backed away to the window. 'Don't.' he whispered.

'I must.' she whispered back.

'I'll jump.'

'Please?' she fixed her eyes on him, and walked forward. He climbed onto the window.

'Come one step closer and I jump.'

Narcissa froze where she was.

They both heard voices.

'Remus!'

'Cissy!'

The door opened, and there stood Lucius, now back in robes, Bellatrix, Sirius and James. They could all hear Peter puffing as he ran up the stairs.

'Cissy, you okay? What are you doing?' Bellatrix asked.

'What I have to do.' Narcissa replied.

'You can stop now.' Lucius told her gently, but Narcissa shook her head.

'I'm not stopping until I'm done!' With that, she stepped forward once more, reaching out with the ring in her hand.

He jumped.

Sirius and James ran to the window, followed by Narcissa.

They looked down. They saw nothing.

They stared over the edge of the window for several minutes.

The door opened. Sirius, James, and Narcissa turned, expecting Peter. It was Remus. Now in robes again.

'What the fuck?' Sirius said.

'Language, Sirius. And I apparated to Hogsmeade, and walked back. I'm not an idiot, you know.' Remus told them.

'I give up!' Narcissa exclaimed suddenly. 'That was a stupid dare, Lucius!'

'Uh, Lucius?' Bellatrix asked. 'You may want to run now...'

Lucius took the advice. He ran. Narcissa took a moment to tranfigure her dress into robes, and followed him, shouting curses all the way.

* * *

**So that's the end of Truth or Dare. I think. I might bring it back one day, but I probably won't. Anyway, review! Or flame!**


	11. Chatrooms Change Lives

**First, THANKS TO ALL THE REVIWERS! This chapter is dedicated to you!**

**Second, I don't own Harry Potter, so please don't sue. I don't have enough money, anyway.**

**Third, if I don't update it is for one of three reasons: a) My computer died. b) The story is on HIATUS. c) Writer's block. d) All three.**

**Please review!**

**(by the way: bold, italics is a private message.)**

**Summary: Peter's life is forever changed in a chatroom. A story of how Peter came to join the dark side. Unlikely, but still...**

**Rated: K**

**

* * *

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Chatrooms Change Lives

_**Chatroom 1024835874**_

_DarkCreature__ has joined the chat._

__suck_it_up_with_your_nose_ has joined the chat._

_MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS has _joined the chat.

DarkCreature: Is Peter here yet?

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: not yet

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: whats with ur name prongsie??

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: how did you know it was me? i could be moony

DarkCreature: but you're not, cos i'm moony.

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: so suck it up with your nose

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: ...

_mynameispeter has joined the chat._

mynameispeter: hi anyone on/

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: hello peter

mynameispeter: how do you know my name// stalker11

DarkCreature: ... Peter, it's obvious.

mynameispeter: how// and how do you get an exclamashun mark/

DarkCreature: first, it's exclaimation, and see the shift button? press and hold while you press the exclaimation mark.

mynameispeter: !?!?!???????&*$&&$*)%*(&*&^~*^($&(^$&$^$^_(^+$$$+^$*&^({} coolios

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: coolios?

mynameispeter: i heard some muggle saying it before

_foxychick has joined the chat._

mynameispeter: hi foxy

DarkCreature: hello.

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: :)

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: hello there foxychick ;)

foxychick: hi peter, dark, suck_it_up, awesomename :D

mynameispeter: how do you know my naem???????

foxychick: ...

DarkCreature: ....

foxychick: oh drat i hav to go! :P bye

_foxychick has left the chat._

_mrs_edward_cullen__ has joined the chat._

_lilye has joined the chat._

_axisXD__ has joined the chat._

lilye: hello. do i know any of you??

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: probably, if ur a certain redhead ;)

lilye: !! go away

mrs_edward_cullen: u no each other?

lilye: i hate him

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: i love her

axisXD: aww... that's cute

DarkCreature: trust me, after years of watching him try to woo her, it's not cute anymore.

_**lilye: that you, remus?**_

_**DarkCreature: yep.**_

_**lilye: ;D nice to see someone sane and whats with the name??**_

_**DarkCreature: just something random XD**__**  
**_

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: hey axis r u a girl?

axisXD: yeah, why?

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: no reason... ;) except i wanna deflower u...

axisXD: **** off

axisXD: this thing has censors?? thats ******

mrs_edward_cullen: i think its nice

axisXD: u would twilight loverr

mrs_edward_cullen: twilight's amazing!

lilye: its such a cliche

axisXD: thx lilye!

lilye: np

mynameispeter: anyone noticed me?

lilye: no, sorry peter

axisXD: no, and hi peter

mrs_edward_cullen: hi peter

mynameispeter: how dose everyone know my name!!!!!!!1

mrs_edward_cullen: lol

axisXD: even the twilight fanatic knows. its really obvious

mynameispeter: how? i mean its not like i said 'my name is peter

DarkCreature: .... you did :P

axisXD: lol!

mynameispeter: but i didnt i didnt!

mrs_edward_cullen: hey mynameisawesome whats ur name?

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: im not saying

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: its james!

axisXD: thats not awesome at all :P

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: i know! hes a liar!

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: no im nottttttt

mynameispeter: i think its a great name!

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: thx peter

mynameispeter: HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW MY NAME?!?!

_bellalestrange has joined the chat._

mynameispeter: omg its her!

lilye: ...

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: cousin! how nice to see you!

bellalestrange: yes you too and shut up peter

mynameispeter: how do u no my namee??????

mrs_edward_cullen: bella hav u read twilight?

bellalestrange: no

mrs_edward_cullen: oh. why is ur name bella then?

bellalestrange: cos thats my real name...

mrs_edward_cullen: ooh lucky

DarkCreature: gtg bye

axisXD: bye! ;)

lilye: bye :)

_DarkCreature has left the chat._

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: why does HE get a wink? wat about me?

axisXD: coz he's nicer

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: aww... :(

bellalestrange: jealous?

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: yes...

MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS: lol! i should go too

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: bye...

_MYNAMEISAWESOMEBUTIMNOTTELLINGYOUWHATITIS has left the chat._

mynameispeter: bye!

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: too late :P

bellalestrange: gtg and i suggest that u go too cousin

_suck_it_up_with_your_nose_: probably bye guys!

_bellalestrange has left the chat._

__suck_it_up_with_your_nose_ has left the chat._

lilye: gtg too bye

axisXD: same here bye

_lilye has left the chat._

_axisXD has left the chat._

mynameispeter: so mrs cullen i guess its just u and me now...

mrs_edward_cullen: before i go im going to tell u something...

mynameispeter: wat? that i can shag u?

mrs_edward_cullen: ew no. that if u dont want ppl to no ur name change ur username.

mynameispeter: oh. so thats why. thank you.

_mrs_edward_cullen has left the chat._

mynameispeter: bye?

_mynameispeter has left the chat._

-o-o-o-o-

**_Chatroom 1012752964_**

_impeter has joined the chat._

_emoizzle has joined the chat._

emoizzle: hello peter.

impeter: how do you know my name??

emoizzle: ur an idiot

_emoizzle has left the chat._

impeter: but i changed my name...

_DarkizzleVoldie has joined the chat._

_BellizzleStrange has joined the chat._

DarkizzleVoldie: Hello there, Peter.

impeter: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!?!

BellizzleStrange: It's really very obvious, Peter.

impeter: oh, and is that you, bellatrix??

BellizzleStrange: Yes, it is. This is Voldemort, Peter.

DarkizzleVoldie: Hello.

impeter: what's with all the izzles today??

BellizzleStrange: WHO ELSE DID YOU SEE?

impeter: emoizzle

DarkizzleVoldie: relax bella. it was probably just some muggle punk

BellizzleStrange: Yes, you're right, as usual, and why did you stop using grammar?

DarkizzleVoldie: its 2 hard

BellizzleStrange: ok shall i stop as well

DarkizzleVoldie: good idea make me feel smrt

BellizzleStrange: ya im smrt arent i

DarkizzleVoldie: STOP! YOU'RE KILLING MAH BRAIN!

impeter: hehe i better go...

DarkizzleVoldie: change your name peter its too obivous! dont include 'peter' in it

impeter: thanks voldemort! i owe you!

_impeter has left the chat._

-o-o-o-o-

**_Chatroom 28475_**

_DarkCreature has joined the chat._

_axisXD has joined the chat._

_pizzaruleeezz has joined the chat._

DarkCreature: hey axis, pizza

pizzaruleeezz: it works it works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!

axisXD: ... peter?

pizzaruleeezz: how did u know??????????

axisXD: ur personality

DarkCreature: :P

pizzaruleeezz: awwwww.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

axisXD: ?? aw craps i gtg....... :( bye peterr bye dark ;)

DarkCreature: bye axis :)

_axisXD has left the chat_

_siriuslyawesome has joined the chat._

_jamesandlily4everr has joined the chat._

jamesandlily4everr: hello all

siriuslyawesome: whos pizza?

DarkCreature: peter

siriuslyawesome: pizzaruleeezz? thats not the best name ever... change it. its embarassing to know someone called pizzaruleeezz

pizzaruleeezz: thats not nice...

jamesandlily4everr: but its so very true..........

pizzaruleeezz: fine then if u think so james

siriuslyawesome: im offended!

**_DarkCreature: don't forget, peter practically worships james_**

**_siriuslyawesome: thats right id forgotten_**

pizzaruleeezz: ok im going to change my name!

_pizzaruleeezz has left the chat._

-o-o-o-o-

**_Chatroom 28456823459_**

_nonameee has joined the chat._

_siriuslyawesome has joined the chat._

nonameee: what do u think of my name??

siriuslyawesome: change it

nonameee: fine...

_nonameee has left the chat._

-o-o-o-o-

**_Chatroom 924574623154_**

_worrrrrmsareawesooome has joined the chat._

_siriuslyawesome has joined the chat._

worrrrrmsareawesooome: how about now?

siriuslyawesome: change it

_worrrrrmsareawesooome has left the chat._

-o-o-o-o-

**_Chatroom 1784391352332_**

_DarkCreature has joined the chat._

_wormadoodle has joined the chat._

DarkCreature: change the name, peter.

_wormadoodle has left the chat._

-o-o-o-o-

_peterissad has joined the chat._

_DarkizzleVoldie has joined the chat._

DarkizzleVoldie: didnt i advise u 2 change ur name peter?

peterissad: yeah u did and i tried but every tiem ppl hate it

DarkizzleVoldie: wat did you try?

peterissad: first it was pizzaruleeezz, then nonameee, then worrrrrmsareawesooome, then wormadoodle but no oen liekd it

DarkizzleVoldie: i liek those naems peter why dont we meet for butterbeer at the three broomsticks in ten minutes? u sound liek u need cheerign up

peterissad: that woud be ncie c u then

_peterissad has left the chat._

DarkizzleVoldie: oh yes c u veeeeryyy soon

DarkizzleVoldie: oh **** he already left oops

_DarkizzleVoldie has left the chat._

_

* * *

_

**Well, that was different. I mean, it's not everyday someone switches sides because of a username, is it? Anyway, review!**


	12. That's Ridiculous

**Mwahahaha! I've had this idea for a while now, so you are going to suffer the consequences! This is what happens when the Marauders Era characters discover FanFiction! Basically me ripping apart some pairings.**

**Summary: The Marauders Era characters discover FanFiction, and decide to act some of it out...**

**Rated: Oh, who cares?**

**Warning: Snogging, references to sex, references to slash... anything that happens on FanFiction, basically. No actual pairings though. I mean, it all gets shredded.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Any references to anything other than what I own FanFics are unintentional!**

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* * *

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**That's Ridiculous**

_~Sirius and Remus~_

'Hey, Prongs, Moony, Wormtail!' Sirius called. He was sitting at Remus' computer, and looking at... FanFiction. The Marauders were staying at Remus' place for a couple of weeks, and Sirius had instantly been attracted to the computer.

'What? Did you discover email?' Remus asked, rolling his eyes. So far all of Sirius' discoveries, if they could be called discoveries, were basic things such as Google, Wikipedia, and MSN.

'No... It's something called FanFiction!'

'Oh, Merlin, no.' Remus muttered. He knew all about FanFiction, and most of the information about the Marauders was utterly and totally wrong.

-o-o-o-o-

Sirius read one. It was about the Marauders first meeting, on the Hogwarts Express.

'That's ridiculous.' Sirius said. 'Remus' hair is blonde, not brown. And James' eyes are actually a washed out green. Hazel is better looking than James' eyes. Lily's hair isn't _that_ red, and Peter's not chubby. He's fat.'

He read some more.

'And here... me and James become best friends straight away? Wrong again... we hated each other, but I was friends with Remus and James with Peter, and Peter and Remus were friends... so we learned to tolerate each other, and then... _wait, WHAT_!? No, that is just _wrong_. Ew...'

Sirius quickly exited that story. He then decided to look at one where they found out Remus was a werewolf.

'Hey, wait... I figured it out first... and then I told James, but he didn't believe me... so we did some research... and then we told Peter after James admitted that I was right... and Peter freaked, and started crying... then he said all this stuff about trusting people, and how he'd always trusted Rem, and now he was a werewolf that probably planned to eat us all in our sleep... even now Peter's still scared... he wanted to sleep with a nightlight, but me and James hated the light... OH FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN, THIS IS ALL WRONG!'

Sirius started another one, and found it quite... descriptive. He read on, engrossed.

'Sirius?' Remus asked. He, James, and Peter stood in the doorway. 'What are you reading?'

'This one... it's about... us... and you and me... I'm curious, though.'

'No.'

'You don't even know what I want...'

Sirius shoved his lips against the werewolf's, and snogged. Hard. Remus pulled away and ran to the bathroom, where he threw up.

'I don't think that's right...' Sirius said, checking the story. 'No, wait... he runs, and then acts weird...'

-o-o-o-o-

Remus avoided him for the rest of the day. It fit the story perfectly.

-o-o-o-o-

Much later, the Marauders lay in their beds, James and Peter asleep.

'I hate you, Sirius Black.' the hissing whisper came.

_Just like the story_. Sirius thought. _Now he tells me how my long hair, and irrisistable snogging talents have ruined him_...

'You and your flippity long hair, and groping tongue!'

_Yep_.

'I mean, you flick me in the eye with your hair, and shove your thick, slobbery tongue down my throat! It was disgusting! Has anyone ever told you that you taste like turnips? Because you do!'

_Maybe not_. 'I just wanted to know if the story was right!' Sirius protested. 'And really, I didn't like it that much, either! Actually, it felt all wrong and weird...'

'Good! If you ever do that again, I will _imperio_ you and Peter and make you fuck each other!'

'Shit, Moony. That's scary... please don't.'

'It's ridiculous, though. How could _we_ ever be together?'

'Ridiculous.'

-o-o-o-o-

_~Gilderoy and Severus~_

'Severus! Over here!' Gilderoy beckoned to Severus.

'What do you want?!' Severus hissed.

'According to this... FanFiction... we're in love!'

'Well, I could never love _you_, you filthy unimaginative fraudulent git!'

'Ouch, Sevvy! You hurt my feelings! I won't let you sleep in my bed!'

'You and me never happened, and never will, Lockhart. You, a pathetic whimpering cake-mouthed ninny dressed as a peacock! And me! Impossible! You're insane, believing this... FanFiction! And we are _not_ on first name basis! That's ridiculous!'

'Sevvy... that's mean...'

'_CRUCIO_!'

And that is the story of Severus' first _crucio_.

-o-o-o-o-

_~Remus and Narcissa~_

'Hey, Lucius, hon, did you know that according to FanFiction, I'm in love with Remus Lupin?' Narcissa asked her fiance.

'What? That's ridiculous! You and Lupin!'

'I think so too, I mean, a half-blood!'

'A half-blood _werewolf_! They insult you, my dear!'

'I know! Ridiculous!'

-o-o-o-o-

'Me and _Narcissa_? That's ridiculous!' Remus asked incredulously.

'That better not be true!' Sirius said.

'It's not! I mean, she's, what? A pureblood maniac who's around three-ish-four-ish years older than me! And she's engaged to a Death Eater! And I'm a half-blood _werewolf_!'

-o-o-o-o-

The next day, Remus got an owl.

_Remus Lupin,_

_I hope you don't believe any of this FanFiction crap. You and me will never work._

_Narcissa Black_

He sent an letter back.

_Narcissa Black,_

_I really hope it's not true. I don't love you, you don't love me. The End._

_Remus Lupin_

-o-o-o-o-

_~Sirus and OC: Sirius' FanFiction~_

'Hey, Rem! I signed up for FanFiction!' Sirius said cheerfully.

'You did no such thing!' his friend replied.

'I did! See? SiriuslyHawt.'

'You're weird...'

'First story... hmm...'

Sirius began to type.

_Sirius Black was the hottest guy at Hogwarts. His long black hair swirled over his face in a very mischeivious manner. His grey eyes sparkled with amusement. And he had conquered every girl at Hogwarts. Except one._

'Yeah, the sensible one.' Remus muttered.

_She was a beauty, with long blue-black hair and dazzling green eyes. She had curves in all the right places, just right for a man like Sirius. His fingers would be able to run along the perfect dips, and savour her citrus scent._

'Sirius, that sounds like you stalk her.'

_And today, she was Sirius'. She had given in to the power of Sirius Black's hotness._

'Yeah, right... More like felt sorry for you.'

_He entered Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, and found Myrtle gone, just as he had requested. Perfect. He found his conquest in the bath, with shallow water filling about an eigth of the tub. Her left leg was wrapped around the tap, so her foot was next to her head, and it showed just how flexible she was._

'You're perverted.'

_'Hello, Sirius.' she purred. Her hands reached for him, and pulled him into the bath with a small splash._

'Sirius Black, stop right there. This is getting way to intimate and dirty. You can't post this!'

'Yeah, Moony's right.' James said, coming up behind them. 'This is ridiculous, and it has no... decency!'

'Aw... Really?' Sirius asked, his eyes wide.

'Stop with the eyes. Only you as Padfoot can pull it off. And yes, really.'

'Too bad! I'm going to post it anyway!'

While James had distracted Sirius, Remus had quickly deleted everything and shut down the computer. So when Sirius turned to continue, there was nothing there.

'No! What happened?'

'A miracle.' James said, winking at Remus.

'Yes, a miracle.' Remus agreed.

* * *

**The end. Please review!**


	13. Lullaby

**Well... hello again.**

**Summary: Sirius is actually scared of storms. So when a large storm hits, the Marauders are subjected to a night of Sirius' girly screaming. Insanity ensues.**

**Rated: Ah, why do I bother?**

**Warning: Nothing?**

**Pairing: I figured I might as well add this in here, especially since I more or less gave up on ratings... No pairings. There usually aren't... so again, why do I bother?**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, everything would be Marauders Era! Since it obviously isn't, I don't.**

**Note: I'm in Australia, so here it's 'mummy', not 'mommy'.**

* * *

**Lullaby**

The clouds were dark and thick, and it was raining. Hard. It looked like it would storm soon, but so far, it was only rain.

Remus stared out the window. He loved storms. They were so... _stormy_! Yeah, it was hard to explain, but the main thing was, he loved storms.

Unfortunately, Sirius didn't. So when Remus finally went to bed, he drew back the blankets to find... Sirius huddled up in a ball.

'Sirius? Why are you in my bed?'

Sirius whimpered. 'It's a storm!' he whispered.

'What? Sirius... really, please. I need to sleep.'

'Remus! Hold me, I'm scared!'

'Are you scared of _storms_?'

'Yes! Aren't you?'

'I love storms! Now, get out of my bed! It's not storming!'

'Yet.'

'Yet, but it's still not storming, and even if it was, I wouldn't let you stay!'

With that, Remus pushed Sirius out of his bed, and lay down.

He didn't see Sirius get up, so he looked down, just in case he'd accidentally knocked him out or something.

He saw Sirius, huddled up _under_ his bed. Not under Sirius' own bed, but Remus' bed.

'Why do you insist on being near my bed?'

'Because it's furthest away from the storm...'

'That makes no sense, Sirius.'

He got no reply. He allowed himself to relax, and was soon drifting off to sleep when thunder rumbled.

'Mummy! Daddy!'

Remus shot straight up in bed. He looked down to see Sirius screaming.

'Mummy! Daddy!'

Oh, Merlin, that boy was troubled.

'Remus?' James' voice came from his bed. 'What's going on?'

'Sirius is scared of storms.' Remus replied.

'Where is Sirius? He's not in his bed...'

'He's under my bed.'

'Why?'

'You know, I have no idea.'

'Oh.'

'Mummy! Daddy!' Sirius screamed.

'Sirius, you hate your parents.' James reminded the huddled form of Sirius.

'Mummy! Daddy!'

-o-o-o-o-

'Mummy! Daddy!'

'Make him stop!' James moaned.

'I can't.' Remus muttered.

Peter was snoring. Loudly. Almost as loudly as Sirius was screaming.

'Mummy! Daddy!'

Thunder rumbled.

'Mummy! Daddy!'

Even when there was no thunder, Sirius still screamed.

'Mummy! Daddy!'

Eventually, McGonagall got annoyed and came in.

'What on earth is all that noise?!' she demanded.

'Mummy! Daddy!' Sirius screamed.

McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

'Mr. Lupin, why is Mr. Black under your bed?'

'I have no idea.' Remus replied.

'I see. Mr. Black, please refrain from screaming and go to sleep.'

Thunder rumbled, and a large bolt of lightning cracked across the sky.

'Mummy! Daddy!'

McGonagall bent down, and looked at Sirius, pale, his eyes wide with horror.

'Mummy! Daddy!'

'Stay calm, boys. I will be back.' she said.

-o-o-o-o-

McGonagall returned sometime later, with Orion and Walburga Black.

'Filth, this place!' Walburga shrieked, looking around at the Gryffindor tower.

'Yes, yes, but your son needs your help!' McGonagall said testily.

Orion and Walburga were silent, and they walked into the Gryffindor common room without the slightest insult to Gryffindor. They were following McGonagall up the stairs when they heard thunder, followed by screaming.

'Mummy! Daddy!'

'Oh, so this is what it's all about. He just needs a lullaby.' Orion sighed as he and Walburga entered the dorm.

'OOOOOOOOOOOHHH, DOOOOOOOOOOOON'T CRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, MYYYYY BAAAAAAAAABYY!' Walburga screeched. 'DOOOOOOOOON'T CRYYYYYYYYYYYY! NOOOOOOOTHIIIIIIING CAAAAAAAAN TOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUCHH YOOOOUU WHEN MUUUUMYY'S AAAAAAAAT YOOOOUUR SIIIIIIDE!'

James and Remus clapped their hands over their ears, and Peter fell off his bed with a loud thump. Sirius, however, was soothed, and started sucking his thumb.

'There.' Walbuurga said as soon as Sirius had gone into a trance like state.

With that, Walburga and Orion left.

-o-o-o-o-

Five minutes later, thunder crashed. Sirius was woken up out of his trance, and started screaming. Even louder than before. Remus and James had both cast muffling charms over Sirius, but it was still loud and clear to them.

'MUMMY! DADDY!'

'ARGH!' James yelled, and abruptly started screeching his version of the lullaby.

'OOOOOHH, DOON'T CRYY, SIIIRIIUUUS! DOON'T CRYYYYY! NOOOOOOTHING CAAN TOOUUUUCH YOOOOUUUU WHEEEN PROOONGS IIIS HEEREEEEEEE!'

'ARGH! SHUT UP, PRONGS! MUMMY! DADDY!' Sirius screamed again.

'Hmm... James, that was perfect!' Remus said sarcastically.

'What? He's still screaming! It's not perfect at all!'

'No, you git. That was _sarcasm_.'

'Ohhh...'

-o-o-o-o-

Half an hour later, Sirius was still screaming. James had locked himself in the bathroom, hyperventilating, and Remus had stunned himself just to avoid listening to Sirius.

-o-o-o-o-

When Remus woke, the first thing he heard was screaming.

Great. How absolutely fan-fucking-tastic.

'MUMMY! DADDY!'

Remus' frustration boiled over, and he let the wolf take control momentarily. He threw back his head and howled.

Long and eerie, the howl lasted for several minutes, and Sirius stopped screaming. Remus looked at Sirius, who was calmly sucking his thumb again.

When thunder crashed, Sirius opened his mouth to scream, but Remus started howling. Sirius did not scream.

'Is he done?' James asked, poking his head out of the bathroom.

'Yes, but now I have to howl, or he'll start again...'

'Oh, well, that's better than him screaming for his parents, who he hates.'

'If you say so.'

Another howl filled the air.

-o-o-o-o-

At three in the morning, Remus drew in a breath, and tried to howl, only to have a small, rough moan come out of his mouth. Oh, no. No. No. NO! He'd lost his voice, and Sirius would start screaming again.

Fortunately, Sirius was temporarily asleep.

-o-o-o-o-

At six in the morning, a loud crash of thunder woke Sirius.

'MUMMY! DADDY!'

-o-o-o-o-

James shot upright. He heard Sirius screaming. Again.

'Moony, howl!'

A hoarse whisper came from the direction of Remus' bed.

'What?'

James heard a quill writing frantically on parchment, then Remus walked up to his bed, and held up a sign that said in neat, elegant script: _Can't howl anymore. Lost my voice._

'Crap.'

More scribbling.

_Yeah. Definitely. And the storm's not stopping._

'Oh, shit. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.'

-o-o-o-o-

McGonagall had finally snapped, and taken Sirius down to the hospital wing, only to have Madam Pomfrey give Sirius a temporary silencing potion. It lasted for about half and hour.

In transfiguration, Sirius started screaming audibly again.

'MUMMY! DADDY!'

Everyone turned to stare at Sirius.

McGonagall sighed. On top of Sirius' screaming, Remus couldn't speak, and held up signs instead. James was feeling particulary violent, and hit Sirius several times, not that it made a difference. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

**So that's the end of that. Good. I've got more coming soon! Promise!**


	14. Chapter 14

God, I'm so so so sorry. I really do mean to update, it's just that real life has more or less wiped me out. I'll be back soon. Promise.

Really.


End file.
